To me, depression is one of the most unique things for someone to go through. No one likes to talk about it but if you find the courage to, it’s hard to find someone who truly understands it. People take depression as far as they can, before it chews them up and spits them out. To give some examples, I want to simply explain some thoughts I’ve had this week and how they were changed by this unwelcomed force.
I had to go back to work after New Year’s. I know, it’s not really a big deal… right? Well to me, it was the end of the world (it still is, but less so). Instead of going to work as a disgruntled employee, I woke up and was hit with a wave of thoughts, all telling me that killing myself is a better option than going to work. It seems drastic, sure, but anything’s better than a lifetime of servitude to some boss that you only know because of your need for food, shelter and water. Clearly, I shouldn’t kill myself, and I know that when I’m in a less manic mood I’ll think differently, but the idea of crawling out of bed to be a slave to work that you’re forced to do is so overwhelming that it’s not “what you’re supposed to do,” but rather a death sentence. Then it evolves to, “if I’m going to do this until I’m sixty-five, then I’d rather just die now.”
Here’s one more example that hit me. I ordered a gift for Christmas and it didn’t get delivered in time. It’s one gift, and I was even able to get something else in time to fix it, so why is this such a big deal? I don’t really know, but all of the sudden I had this army of self-deprecating demons attacking me, saying I’m not a good son, brother, boyfriend, relative or anything else that could be possible. I felt like this cancer to society simply because a package would be a little late. It was due to forces mostly out of my control, but I didn’t see it that way. I saw myself as this total failure because of one stupid package.
So, what do I do to deal with all of this? It depends on the day. Sometimes I lay in bed and pity myself until I fall asleep. Other times I put on a fake smile and go about my day, occasionally crying uncontrollably when I find a moment to myself, without understanding why I’m doing it. Unfortunately, the most likely thing to happen to me is a barrage of unpleasant thoughts regarding self-harm. Depression sucks but remember that you’re never alone and that the most important thing to do is find a support system, whether it’s a dog, friend or therapist. There are other ways to deal with it too. I found that writing helps me a lot, so experiment with some hobbies and see what makes you feel better.
Written by Scott McKinney.