To me, depression is one of the most unique things for someone to go through. No one likes to talk about it but if you find the courage to, it’s hard to find someone who truly understands it. People take depression as far as they can, before it chews them up and spits them out. To give some examples, I want to simply explain some thoughts I’ve had this week and how they were changed by this unwelcomed force.

I had to go back to work after New Year’s. I know, it’s not really a big deal… right? Well to me, it was the end of the world (it still is, but less so). Instead of going to work as a disgruntled employee, I woke up and was hit with a wave of thoughts, all telling me that killing myself is a better option than going to work. It seems drastic, sure, but anything’s better than a lifetime of servitude to some boss that you only know because of your need for food, shelter and water. Clearly, I shouldn’t kill myself, and I know that when I’m in a less manic mood I’ll think differently, but the idea of crawling out of bed to be a slave to work that you’re forced to do is so overwhelming that it’s not “what you’re supposed to do,” but rather a death sentence. Then it evolves to, “if I’m going to do this until I’m sixty-five, then I’d rather just die now.”

 Here’s one more example that hit me. I ordered a gift for Christmas and it didn’t get delivered in time. It’s one gift, and I was even able to get something else in time to fix it, so why is this such a big deal? I don’t really know, but all of the sudden I had this army of self-deprecating demons attacking me, saying I’m not a good son, brother, boyfriend, relative or anything else that could be possible. I felt like this cancer to society simply because a package would be a little late. It was due to forces mostly out of my control, but I didn’t see it that way. I saw myself as this total failure because of one stupid package.

So, what do I do to deal with all of this? It depends on the day. Sometimes I lay in bed and pity myself until I fall asleep. Other times I put on a fake smile and go about my day, occasionally crying uncontrollably when I find a moment to myself, without understanding why I’m doing it. Unfortunately, the most likely thing to happen to me is a barrage of unpleasant thoughts regarding self-harm. Depression sucks but remember that you’re never alone and that the most important thing to do is find a support system, whether it’s a dog, friend or therapist. There are other ways to deal with it too. I found that writing helps me a lot, so experiment with some hobbies and see what makes you feel better.

Written by Scott McKinney.

78 thoughts on “One Week With Depression”

  2. Brutally honest! Writing with honesty is on of the best things to help you overcome!! Those thoughts aren’t real. An unseen and unwanted force stalks the depressed of the world. Hang on for dear life!!

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  3. Man I have followed the path of depression to the gates of Hell thinking I had to just keep going on the way I was going. To that miserable job to be perfect for other people. Until I ended up in a hospital trying to drink myself to death. I can tell you that life is so much better today than it ever had been in the past 32 years and it’s all because of the changes I made and my reliance on God. It breaks my heart to hear other people struggling just to find strength to get out of bed in the morning or thinking killing my self was a better way to go. If you ever want to talk hit me up. Mattw481@gmail.com
    Godbless

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  5. I’ve found that even people with depression don’t really *get* and can’t really support another person with depression. When depressed, we are truly alone. I went through a period once where I’d sit at my desk and cry. I couldn’t really talk with anyone about it because it seemed 1) overly dramatic, and 2) really pathetic. I felt if I could just pull myself together things would be OK. My wife who is especially good at empathy was a good listener, but in terms of action, I was on my own. Depression is a dark and lonely place.

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  9. “We” self sabotage with negative thought out of “fear”. Fear which keeps us static in the “moment”, where it is familiar and “feels” safe. It is realising ‘fear’ is the opposite of LOVE.

    Love and self care, go hand in hand, God bless You with a beautiful journey, You are worth it

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  10. I’ve been through this in my teens. The only way I could cope was to stop expecting people to understand what I was going through and just taking better care of myself. I believe the only way such conditions can be managed, are by looking within and accepting that you need to change if you want to survive this. At least, that’s how I’ve coped with PTSD. Warm regards

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  12. The line “people take depression as far as they can” hit me hard. For so long I thought my depression wasn’t bad enough for me to seek and deserve help, and when I did I couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. I think a huge part in fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness is helping people realize that it’s never too early to get help.

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  13. Thank you very kindly for having the strength to address this issue. I am 77 and have lived through what you have, with work and depression, losing in love, having to move because of issues where I lived, being temporarily homeless (though I always had someplace to stay for a night or more with a friend), losing pets, and it seems like a million things. I have worked in jobs I hated because I believed I had to have a “good” job where I could make enough money to “be successful.” That is a biggie for a lot of us, male or female. We think we have to work at a job that absolutely is killing us because if we don’t, we will never get anywhere. The list goes on and on. Presently I have permanent and severe PTSD from being assaulted and severely bullied and having to move out of a mobile home I had purchased and losing big time to get out quickly enough. I think that the world we live in today is not easy for any of us. We have so many expectations of life that we have been taught are the way we should live, and if we do, that we will “live happily ever after.” But it just isn’t that way anymore.
    When you are feeling this way in a relationship or in a job, it is time to rethink your goals and values in life. In a relationship, if you are not both facing in the same direction as you look out on life, no matter what you do, it is not going to work. Your relationship is one of give and take, and you are only going to have even scores sometimes, but a lot of times you or your other person will be giving 110 or 125% and you perhaps 90% and then the situation will reverse itself. You have to really think on that relationship and what you were looking for in the first place.
    With regard to a job, I have been in so many jobs I absolutely hated, but the MONEY was good, so I figured it was worth it. It was not, and it was never going to be. I will never again in this life sell my soul to the devil! Think about how much time you get to be here on this plane. If you spend eight hours at your job, you spend another hour or more getting there and home again, and then how many hours more do you spend thinking about what you have to do, have done, or wish you did not have to do? Most people spend the majority of life doing things they absolutely do not want to do, and that is so sad. We all have talents outside whatever we are doing in life. But we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we cannot live if we do not work at those jobs. I bet all of you have skills you never even thought of trying.

    Yes, you might temporarily have to be a waitress, or work as a caregiver or a taxi driver, etc. while you are getting into doing what you want, but at least if you do that, you know that it is temporary and that you can do what you really like doing the most very soon. And if you don’t think you have talents, think about the following: Do you love to cook? Love fixing up your house to where it is really pretty? Do you love animals? Children? Then there is satisfying work you can do. I named just a few, but there are all sorts of things you can do – things you already love to do. You don’t have to start your own business. You can work for someone as an apprentice, or if you need to, you can go to Jr. College, etc. and get the skills to do that work. If you do work you love doing, chances are that you will not become bored or depressed even if you are not the boss, at least in the early part of your work.

    There is no such thing as failure in life except the failure to get out there and try something you can put your heart into. If you are living day to day doing work you hate, you will never get to write that novel in your head, or to do anything creative because your mind is asleep in pain.

    I just know I never began to love going to work when I kept trying to do things behind a desk working for some mid-level boss who was just trying to keep his own empire alive. But the day I stepped into substituting as an Aide or Paraeducator in the school districts was for me the day I fell in love with working. I worked with special needs children and young adults, and the variety in the work, getting to go outside part of the day, sitting watching the children at play and eating their food was a joy. There were no too days alike. I felt a certain freedom and joy and satisfaction I never had in a job before. It’s not that anyone specially noticed me or that I had to fight to be better than anyone else. It’s that we all worked together as a true team, helping the children and helping each other in so many different ways as we needed to. I worked with juvenile delinquents and they needed a lot of care and attention, but it was rewarding. And some of my children had multiple challenges – developmental, physical, and emotional. The pay was decent, but I was not going to get rich. I liked substituting as I could take time off when I needed to and still get called back.

    I also started private tutoring in the subjects I liked. I worked for a company, Wyzant.com, and they took care of qualifying the parents of the students financially, or the adults I worked with. I only tutored in subjects I liked and felt comfortable with and I was able to set my own pay rates and conditions for working such as how far I was willing to go to tutor and if the student failed to give me notice that they would not be there for our appt., Wyzant could bill them unless it was a significant emergency. There are lots of benefits of having an agency that finds the jobs and sends them to you to apply with the clients, and takes care of seeing to it that you are paid. I believe they are in every state, and I really liked working with them. I have some 35 or 36 5-star ratings as your clients will give you those, so people used to contact me regularly. I have taken myself off the list now because I have had some illnesses, but this is particularly good work because you can meet your child or adult at a public place such as a library, or you can tutor at their home with the parents there too. You can do this on the side from your regular work, and you only need to work as many days or times as you are comfortable with. You can turn down jobs as you decide is best for you.

    The issue here is that there are plenty of alternatives here for all of us. When it comes to relationships, we don’t need to rush to find love. We can enjoy doing things with friends for a long time, and if something good develops out of it, that is welcome, and if not, we can still enjoy them comfortably and not have to try to be someone we are not.

    I hope this gives some of you hope and the realization that no matter how bad your mental issues, you can be ok. There are support groups out there for just about everything that can help you, and there are some Behavioral facilities that have a number of psychologists and psychiatrists who can get you on the right track, so you don’t have to continue to suffer.

    Despite dealing with PTSD, I am able to function well and have written two books, am involved with volunteer work, and run a little household with pets and a senior male significant other who is a simple and much loved man for me – the best ever because there is finally no game playing, no control issues, etc. And he has simple wants and needs, but is intelligent and the way he loves me is totally supportive and kind. I can be who I am just as I am and so can he. So no matter how bad your situations are now, there is hope for you. We are all sacred and we are also the ones who are responsible for caring for our earth and the things that help it to survive. Most of all, we all need to remember that we are here because we are needed here and meant to be here, and life will get better for all of us every single day that we give it a chance.

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  14. This is a great post. I know when I fall into what I call a pit of darkness I just want to drink my emotions away or I will try to exercise hard. I’m trying to do things in moderation and I’m currently struggling with my inability to work because of my mental health. It’s either work and not afford medication or not work and have a internal battle about it sometimes. I have days where I wake up and wonder why I’m even alive.

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  15. Thank you to The Psych Talk for letting me guest post on the blog! I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope to do it again in the future. As for everyone else, I’m glad that you were able to take some comfort in my writing. Just remember that no matter what, there are people that care about you. I am one of those people.

    Scott

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  17. wow your post has really resonated with so many … hey at least you are being paid for your employment … over here people must volunteer for their welfare well below the poverty line … tried meds?

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  18. Pingback: One Week With Depression – The Psych Talk – Dr Salman Shafiq’s Psychiatric Consultations, NLP and Hypnotherapy Clinic

  20. Fantastic post , so true we talk about these things as a family because of my kids anxiety and depression they still feel that feeling it’s just now they don’t hold it In and we know when they need that extra one on one to distract there thoughts.can be scary for the person feeling it too.💗

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  21. I really soaked up the tone you set throughout the whole post which is depression is nothing to be ashamed of. That is super, super, self-compassionate of you to say and to spread to everyone. So, so important to practice this especially in the midst of feeling depressed. Having yourself as part of your support system is one of the most arduous tasks when feeling extreme lows and even when experiencing extreme highs. I support you 100% and I know we do not know each other but I am extremely proud of you for taking these leaps of faith and investing in yourself and this awesome community here, to serve everyone through your journey.

    Thank you 🙂

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  23. Pingback: One Week With Depression — The Psych Talk – Acceptable Madness

  24. This was a deep post. Everyone says it gets better, yet no one ever mentions how. Having the support systems can make all the difference. The most important thing to remember(in my opinion) is to listen to yourself, Not the voices. Support can come from others but it can also come from other unlikely places. Just stay strong and remember, asking for help is never a bad thing.

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  25. Thank you for sharing this! I actually carried through with the self harm thoughts twice in my life. Now because of counseling and God I no longer have those thoughts. But, I really relate to your writing!

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  27. “anything’s better than a lifetime of servitude to some boss that you only know because of your need for food, shelter and water”

    Actually I think you have hit the nail on the head and to me, frankly, suicide wins hands down over a life spent working for others. Its a good blog and I have no easy answers. I have worked for myself much of the past 30 years but even that has not eradicated depression. Far from it, so it is more than just freedom from bosses. I am a thinker (certainly that) and have found catharsis in writing.

    I have practiced meditation and contemplation for years.I do not smoke and I am teetotal. I exercise regularly.

    All of this has helped. Does help. And yet the anxiety and pessimism remains. We need pills, there is no doubt about that. Pills which actually work. This guy is my best hope for achieving change: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Pearce_(philosopher)

    We need more people like that!

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  28. I find that the best way to handle my severe chronic depression is to acknowledge it and make fun of it. You have to step outside of yourself and take a good look to do that, but you need to do that anyway when you are depressed. My depression is bi-polar so I go from really depressed to really REALLY depressed.

    Meds haven’t helped in the last forty years, so I rely on attitude and the fact that people depend upon me. Plus, there’s always a new Marvel movie coming out the next year giving me a reason to go on…

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    1. the only way i got out from depression was by accepting the fact that i was Really depressed and there is nothing i can do about this, writing also helps and meeting new people too, Keep going i hope you’ll find your way!

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  29. A lot of my blogs lately have Ben inspired or rather written to help me cope with my anxiety and writing really does help . Since I started writing again in October I’ve been a lot less easily agitated and overly nervous . I still have my moments but it’s getting better . Writing helps because talking about it sometimes exacerbates my anxiety – mainly when people want answers to why I’m crying in hysterics during a panic attack and all I can answer is – my panic attacks come in the form of crying .. luckily my family and friends know this but it still sometimes makes me more anxious . So if I feel one coming on I either go and write or go to the gym lol . Great post !

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  31. Reblogged this on The Oily Guru and commented:
    Depression is a big, bad dog. Never underestimate it and please, seek help before it destroys you. I am on the upswing of a failed attempt to get off of anti-depressants after 30 years and I ALMOST DID NOT MAKE IT THROUGH. The depression was bigger than me and bigger than my will to overcome it. It is no laughing matter and certainly not to be taken lightly. This blogger is spot on!!

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  32. It is difficult to deal with depression, especially when you are in a bad situation where you feel completely trapped. I know. When the mind goes searching for a way out, sometimes death starts to look kinder than life as it is.

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  33. As I read through your post, my heart broke a little. There were many nights and mornings that I spent with my little sister on the phone as she battled depression. I don’t think anyone fully understands it unless they’ve been through it.

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  35. Depression is so evil. It’s there and only you can feel it and understand and it seems everyone is just living their lives. Sometimes the only way to overcome is just taking a leap and doing everything you love and not bothering what anyone else thinks.

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  38. Hello! The Psych Talk , I really liked your article it describes the pain one may feel, i know exactely that pain coz i’ve been there u know a small thing would make me think of a bigger and a bigger thing that would ruin all my days and make me feel hopeless for months, keep going despite the illness, you’ll overcome it i’m sure!
    writing is really a cure! hope you check the story my friend just posted on our blog https://overcomingdepression178666682.wordpress.com/2019/02/08/depression-the-silent-killer/

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  39. Truly evocative. Having lived with depression and anxiety for 40+ years I identify with much of what you say. I was particularly moved by your observation that we are all alone in our depression. Thanks for this.

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  40. Sometimes the manic episodes are even worse than the depression…for me, as I deal with bipolar disorder. Based on the symptoms I realize I probably have been suffering with it most of my life. It really blossomed last year as I approached retirement. And stepped up a notch when I did retire and moved from a place I loved to hike to a place that I dislike but have my family connection. In January I began taking lamotrigine and last Monday it worked like a charm after nearly 4 weeks. And it worked for five days. Then it didn’t and now I am waiting for a return call from the doc. As those of us that share this illness know, it isn’t any fun.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Mike

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  44. Thanks for being honest. I agree with your followers. Depression is a dark and lonely place. I was there for many years but haven’t been there now for many more years. For me, it was a complete overhaul of my thinking, my behaviors, my world view, my relationships, etc. And that all started when I realized and admitted to the ways that I exacerbated my own depression. We all have to find what works for us but the truth is, something will. God bless you on this journey.

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  47. I appreciate how you acknowledge that depression can make you have irrational thoughts that you normally wouldn’t. Sometime people assume just because you’re having these thoughts, that you agree with them and accept them. And that’s just not the case…it really does feel like an outside source. In line with the advise that you gave at the end, I found this video to be helpful and motivating. https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/teenagers/whiteboard-animations/sad-to-glad/ Wish you the best in your personal fight.

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  48. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for years, this resonates with me. I have lost interest in all of my hobbies and anything I once enjoyed just seems nonsense any more. Yesterday. I finally decided I had enough of suffering and I wanted to try and take back something that was once mine and I truly missed..so I started my own blog. It is definitely a work in progress. But maybe you could check it out and show some support to help nudge me along. I fully intend on following you. It is nice to know we aren’t alone sometimes. Thank you and best of luck on writing and inspiring! If you ever need someone to talk to, you can message me any time, on my Facebook page Sammich the Wicked http://sammichthewicked.home.blog

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  50. Love it! I have depression also. For me it’s like I’m this super motivated big dreamer person stuck inside of a depressed persons body. I have all these goals I want to accomplish, but then I can’t even get off the couch many days. It’s very frustrating and hard sometimes to not think of myself as a failure.

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    1. Hi there, what are your goals? You are not a failure you are making sense of the world your time spent is fine tuning we are always learning therefore always improving, does this make sense? The point i’m trying to make is it’s all perception please can you justify depression so that I can understand it? God bless.x

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      4. your motivation is to remedy your symptoms. What are your goals? You’ve made it this far and not given in that is a success in itself. Your resilience shows you’re not worthless and where ever there is life there is hope. x

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Ya I mean, I know the feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, feeling not enough isn’t me. It’s my depression. So I just let it play out on the bad days, wait for it to pass.

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      6. Sound advice. Always here for you remember you are always learning therefore always getting better it is impossible to get worse there’s hope in itself at the very least you are developing resiliency. Please define emptiness?

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